Once upon a time a woman in her thirties finally believed there had to be more. (It’s me, hi, this is about me.) After decades of introspection, studying psychology and human development in undergrad and grad school and investing untold thousands of dollars in self-help, I still felt stuck. Burnt out, unfulfilled, insecure, anxious, and unclear about what I wanted beyond a strong desire to just retire already. I coped with life’s twists by binging food, books, and full TV seasons on Netflix. My coping only heightened my anxiety and self-loathing. “Real adults wouldn’t ignore a messy bedroom to read another fantasy novel, I must be an awful adult.”

I was quietly seething, angry about having spent years trying to better understand myself and the world only to end up overwhelmed by the many and conflicting voices I encountered. In all the noise I often wound up paralyzed in indecision. Or I would halfway attempt to make changes, usually shaming myself into different eating habits, brief spurts of exercise, or forcing myself to listen to more podcasts.

I’ve come to realize that above all, I wanted someone to affirm that I was good. But I also wanted desperately to know that I was loved and worthy of love. There were plenty of people in my life to love me– family, friends– but I constantly feared that if I wasn’t good or good enough, those people would leave me behind and take their love with them. It felt like an incessant threat. The thoughts on repeat echoed down the years, “you’re not trying hard enough, you haven’t accomplished enough, you aren’t thin enough or pretty enough and joke’s on you because you never will be! They don’t know how broken you really are, how tragically and pathetically you want to be chosen and cherished.” Vicious. They were vicious, bitter thoughts. And as far as I knew, those thoughts were me, they were my reality.

As another year of my life came and went, I found a school whose whole mission was to help messy, stuck people like me find compassion for themselves, and grace for their mess. They taught me how to see my coping and triggers as signs that some part of my inner world needed more love, rather than as evidence that I was bad or broken. I’m a year into this journey of learning how to speak and act more kindly toward myself, and also learning to help others find more compassion and love in their messiness.

I’m looking forward to sharing more of my story, but I’m more excited to see who else I meet out here on the journey to becoming. If any of this sounds familiar to you, I want to hear your story, too! Drop a comment, email hello@facingthefeels.com, or come find me on Instagram @facingthefeels!

May you come to know the Grace you’re yearning for is already here.