What we feel emotionally is driven and augmented by what we feel physically.
Our nervous systems are intricately tied to our mental and emotional state. One of the magical, mystical, scientific facts about our emotions that few of us learned growing up is: we have a physical reaction to circumstances in our lives *right before* we experience our emotional reactions. When we learn to identify what emotions feel like physically in our bodies and catch those responses as they hapen, we can use those physical and emotional feelings as indicator lights that something is “off” in our system, and needs attention.
Let me tell you about how I didn’t do that so well recently.
Over the last few months, a lot has changed in my life– in pretty much every arena. All of that change has stirred up emotions I don’t really enjoy feeling, like fear and anxiety. I’d start to feel it in my body, and rather than attending to it– like investigating an indicator light on my car dash, I metaphorically just kept driving.
I entered into the avoidance dance with my feelings. Even though I quit my 8-5 job in September, I was busier (and out of the house more) than ever in October and November. I was at the gym, my new part-time office, with friends running errands or playing board games, volunteering, reading, or staring blankly into the void. And that’s the thing about avoidance. It can look like high-activation frantic energy, and it can look like complete disconnection from the present moment. I was running the full spectrum.
In my body, this sort of existential “am I on the right life path?” kind of fear feels like a boulder of cold dread in the pit of my gut. It’s different than the fear of a jump-scare, which I might prefer since that’s usually over quickly and resolved. But this feeling, the weighty sense of vague, impending doom hits differently. It’s so big I don’t want to look straight at it. So then I’m just barely glancing at it in my peripheral vision, where it haunts the recesses of my mind.
Friends, what we resist persists.
The fear just stayed there, and as the circumstance that triggered the emotions continued to go unaddressed and unresolved, it might have grown a little bit. And I just kept running in my mind and on my calendar, driving as more and more indicator lights came on. It all came to a head this month, December, and finally hit a tipping point this week.
If I’d thrown fear under a rug in my mind (yes, another metaphor), then we could say earlier this week it was disturbed by something a friend said to me– a kind, but pointed challenge. Instead of just straightening the rug, later that day, I peeled it back a little bit while talking with some different friends. I peeled the rug back long enough to logically state “I feel really afraid.”
Acceptance is the first step to a lot of healing.
I accepted that I felt afraid, in the presence of kind, compassionate witnesses. They offered encouragement and support. I left and made my brother drive us home in my car. I threw a sweatshirt over my face as I felt the emotions swelling, and in the posture of reluctant acceptance, I let them run their course.
The wild thing about emotions is that if we actually allow ourselves to feel them, their intensity doesn’t usually last that long. They swell, hit a point of inevitable release, and subside. If we’re paying attention, we can help the process with mindfulness and nervous system regulation tools. So that’s what I tried to do.
The emotions rose, I allowed the release by crying into my sweatshirt and verbally vomiting my fears and anxieties– a mental release to accompany the physical release of emotional energy. My brother listened– non-judgmentally, without offering feedback or advice at first. I took deep, slow breaths. As the emotion subsided, I was able to shift from the illogical rantings of verbal ventilation and grasp some actual logic to counteract the fears.
Over the next couple of days, I was able to identify baby steps– manageable, small actions I could take to address the fear. I practiced being kind to myself when I didn’t do all the steps the first day. When I finished a step (writing a blog post) then accidentally deleted the whole thing beyond recovery, I didn’t flip tables or break down. I took a break, ate my first real meal of the day at 4:30pm, did something fun, and decided to try again tomorrow (today, as I’m finishing and about to post this blog).
I’ve been on this journey for a couple of years– learning to partner with my body to manage my internal world, and have compassion for myself along the way. If you’re on a similar journey, and looking to partner with someone who can help you add tools to your tool belt, and walk alongside you as you learn to implement and use them, I’d love to be that person for you.
I’d love to chat for about 20 minutes to hear some of your story, what you’re looking for, and explore how I can help. This first conversation is totally free. Go here to directly schedule a virtual call, or send me an email at hello@facingthefeels.com.
Until next time,
Lisa